Foster children have often been through so much in their short lives – and these experiences can have a profound effect on their mental health. Sadly, many children who come into the care system have experienced trauma and need the help of a loving and caring foster parent to heal.
At Fostering People we’re passionate about therapeutic parenting, and we believe that giving children a high standard of trauma-informed care provides them with the tools they need to build brighter futures.
One method we train our foster parents in is the P.A.C.E. model, a therapeutic approach to parenting which can benefit children who live with trauma.
What is P.A.C.E. in fostering?
The P.A.C.E. model was first developed by Dr Dan Hughes, the founder of Dyadic Development Psychotherapy. This parenting method focuses on four areas to help children heal from trauma: playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy.
We’ve explored why playfulness is an important part of a foster parent’s journey, as well as parenting strategies that you can use with your foster children. Next, we’re going to take a closer look at how powerful acceptance can be in the healing process to help your children thrive.
What is trauma?
Before we can start to practice the P.A.C.E model in our everyday lives, it’s first crucial to understand the impact that trauma can have on developing brains. Trauma is an emotional response caused by a stressful, dangerous, or painful event. This can happen when an experience is overwhelming, leaving a person feeling helpless and unsafe long after the event is over.
Complex developmental trauma can occur when someone is consistently exposed to stressful circumstances as a child which can leave them feeling unsafe, such as abuse or neglect. These are also known as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and can have a lifelong impact on a person’s self-esteem, cognitive functions, behaviours, and their ability to regulate emotions.
Studies show that the more ACEs a person has experienced before the age of 18, the more negative outcomes that are likely once they reach adulthood. But the good news is that children are able to heal from the trauma they’ve experienced by building nurturing relationships with trusted, safe adults.
How acceptance helps children with trauma
Accepting a child’s motives, feelings, and perceptions is an essential part of helping them to feel settled and safe with you. Behaviour is simply a method of communication, so it’s crucial to look beyond this at what your child is trying to tell you.
This doesn’t mean accepting behaviour that could harm themselves or others, but instead not passing judgement on a child’s intentions, and showing your foster child this in a way they can appreciate and understand.
Accepting a child’s sense of self and loving them for who they are is vital for building trust between you and reassuring them that they’re safe when they’re with you.
- Helping children to self-regulate – by staying calm and showing your foster child that you accept them and don’t judge their actions, you can help them to regulate their own emotions.
- Validating emotions – making sure that your foster child knows their feelings are valid and that you’re not going to judge them can encourage them to trust you when they express themselves.
- Building trust – we all want to feel loved and accepted, and this is an excellent way to nurture trust between you and your foster child.
- Reducing shame – accepting your foster child can help to reduce any feelings of guilt or shame they feel about their trauma responses.
- Improving self-esteem – showing them that they’re valued for who they are can help to better their sense of identity and boost their self-esteem.
How to show acceptance to a foster child
There are several ways that you can show your foster child acceptance using the P.A.C.E. model.
1. Learning to understand their behaviour
When big emotions come into play, it’s important to look beyond the immediate behaviour. What has caused your foster child to act in a certain way? Was there a specific trigger that made them react? Their response is simply their way of making them feel safe in an uncertain situation.
Remember that all behaviour is communication. Your foster child is trying to tell you something, and you can help them to find new ways to express their emotions by listening to what they’re subconsciously trying to communicate. You can also learn what kind of things trigger them and how you can help to prevent this in the future.
2. Mirror emotions in a healthy way
You can show your foster child that you’re listening to them by mirroring their emotions. If they’re feeling sad, rather than trying to immediately cheer them up, sit down quietly with them and help them to name their feelings.
By validating their emotions, you can make them feel seen and accepted, and they’ll know that it’s okay to express these emotions in a healthy way.
3. Show your foster child that they’re loved
One of the best ways to help your foster child feel accepted is to show them how much you love them. You can do this either through positive affirmations, thoughtful gestures, or by showing them unconditional support throughout your time together.
Over time, they’ll start to feel valued as a person and develop the secure base that they need to thrive in adult life. Consistency is the key to show your foster child that they can trust you to look after them.
4. Don’t rush to fix things immediately
Sometimes, we need to sit with our emotions to come to terms with things that have happened to us. Rather than try to fix an issue that has come up straightaway, you might need to help your foster child to regulate their emotions when they become dysregulated.
This could be giving them a fidget toy or favourite cuddly toy or doing breathing exercises together to help them to ground themselves in the moment. Once they’re feeling more settled, you can guide them through a solution.
5. Correct behaviour in a loving way
Standard parenting techniques that might have worked with your own children are unlikely to be as effective with foster children. That’s because your children had a secure base and knew that you still loved them, even if they were being told off for doing something wrong.
Acceptance doesn’t mean ignoring behaviour or not making positive changes. It means redirecting your foster child’s attention to a healthier alternative.
For example, if your foster child hurts themselves in frustration when they become dysregulated, you can gently intervene with, “I can see that you’re upset. It’s okay to feel like that, but I’m going to stop you from hurting yourself. Let’s think of another way we can let out these feelings. Have you got a sensory toy that could help?”
Parenting with empathy
The most powerful tool in your fostering tool kit is something that can’t be taught: empathy. Having the innate ability to understand how a person feels or be able to sympathise with something they’ve experienced will become endlessly helpful in your fostering journey.
Therapeutic fostering is an essential method for helping children to move past the things that have happened to them and instead look to creating a brighter future. By using parenting methods such as the P.A.C.E model you can give the foster children in your care the essential skills they need to thrive.
Supporting your continuous development
We know that one of the best ways for you to grow as a foster parent is to give you the right support throughout each stage of your journey. That’s why we offer a variety of training and development opportunities, either in person or online, so that you can learn more about therapeutic parenting techniques such as the P.A.C.E. method.
Further reading
If you want to learn more about therapeutic parenting, check out some of the below titles:
- Creating Loving Attachments: Parenting with P.A.C.E by Dr Dan Hughes and Kim Golding
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
- The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D Perry and Maia Szalavitz
- The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting: Strategies and Solutions by Sarah Naish
Start your fostering journey today
Are you curious to know more about fostering and how you could make a difference in a child’s life? Fostering People are here to help you at each stage of your fostering journey.
Simply fill out our enquiry form or give us a ring on 0800 077 8159 to speak to one of our friendly advisors. They can talk to you about fostering in more detail and answer any questions you may have about the fostering process.
Pick up the phone today to be the positive change a child needs to heal from their trauma.
