PACE Parenting: strategies that work

Parenting and fostering are similar, but one of the main differences is the type of parenting you use to help them navigate the world. For children in care who are living with trauma, traditional parenting techniques often fall short of their needs and can sometimes make things worse.

That’s where PACE therapeutic parenting comes in. PACE is about creating a nurturing and healing environment where children feel safe enough to be themselves and are loved unconditionally, both on their good and bad days. 

In this blog, we take a deeper look at PACE parenting, including what it means, why it works, and how you can use it to truly make a difference in the lives of the children you foster. 

What is the PACE approach to parenting?

PACE is a therapeutic parenting approach developed by Dan Huges, a clinical psychologist who specialises in childhood trauma. He recognised that children living with the weight of adverse childhood experiences (ACES) need to be cared for in a different way, with a focus on building strong and trusting relationships. 

These relationships are at the heart of helping children heal from their trauma. They give children a secure base to make sense of their experiences, understand their triggers, and find new ways to cope with their thoughts and feelings. When children know they have someone to lean on, rely on and trust, it builds the resilience and confidence they need to explore the world and look towards a more hopeful future. 

PACE, which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy, creates a supportive and nurturing environment where children feel understood, valued, and heard. As a foster parent, using PACE can help you look beyond behaviour to understand what's really upsetting or triggering a child. You can then coach them through emotions they may not have the words for yet and help them feel safe enough to open up about what's really going on inside.

The PACE parenting model

Here is a breakdown of the four principles of PACE and the strategies within each element that you can use to support a child. When combined, they can help you build a connection with the children in your care and diffuse tension in difficult situations.  

Playfulness

Playfulness means parenting in a light-hearted way by bringing joy, humour and a little silliness into everyday moments. You probably use playfulness in some of your relationships already – maybe you’ve got a running joke with a friend or send funny videos to your partner when they’re having a tough day. These seemingly small things show that you care and provide them with the emotional safety to be themselves around you. 

It's just the same for the children you foster. When you’re relaxed and enjoying yourself in their company, it helps them feel safe enough to do the same. When you laugh or smile with them, they see that you enjoy being around them, which boosts their self-esteem while strengthening your bond. 

How to use playfulness

You could see playfulness as being in touch with your inner child and finding joy in the small things around you. Here are some examples of playfulness strategies that can help you connect and manage tricky situations:

• If it’s a rainy day, you could go outside and jump in puddles together or have a race to see who can find the biggest puddle first. 

• If you’re on a long car journey, you could make up a game or create a silly song about the trip together. 

• If your foster child struggles to name their emotions, you could turn them into characters, giving them names that are easy to remember, such as Sally the sad sausage or Alfie the angry ant. This way, when they start to feel that emotion, they may find it easier to associate it with the character you’ve created together.

• If the child in your care doesn’t want to go to bed, you could build a fort together or make up a song about bedtime that makes it feel fun and something to look forward to.

• You could turn chores into a challenge, such as who can rake the biggest pile of leaves or put away their clothes the fastest. 

Top tip: Pick your moment carefully. If a child’s very upset, trying to laugh and joke might make them feel unheard or misunderstood. In those moments, get down to their level and gently explore their feelings instead. 

Acceptance 

Everyone wants to feel like they are accepted and loved unconditionally – even if a bad day means you’re a bit grumpy. It’s the same for children in care, but sadly, they may have never experienced this sort of relationship before. They may have been punished or shamed for showing their feelings and might worry that you'll leave them if they don't behave in a certain way. 

Acceptance is about validating the way a child feels and helping them find new ways to manage their emotions. It means separating a child from their behaviour and letting them know that although you may not like what they've done, you'll always love and care about them.

How to show acceptance

When emotions are running high, it can be challenging to separate a child from their actions, but this is key to helping them feel safe and secure. They need to know that their behaviour won’t change the way you feel about them. You can show them this by:

• Slowing down the conversation and giving them enough time to respond to your questions about what happened. 

• Staying calm and using a soft tone while getting down to their level when they’re upset.

• Offering them a hug if they're comfortable with it or sitting nearby so they know you still want to be around them. 

• Acknowledging their feelings without judgement by saying things like, ‘You seem really upset, and that’s okay. Let’s talk about what's made you feel this way.’

• Reassuring them that it's normal to have tricky feelings sometimes. For example, if they've had an argument at school, you could say, ‘That must have been frustrating. I get frustrated sometimes too.’

• Validating their emotions while helping them find a new way to cope in the future. For example, if they hit someone at school because they took their pen, you could say, ‘I can see why you’re upset – it doesn’t feel very nice when people take your things. But hitting isn’t okay. Let's think about what you could do the next time you feel like this. Maybe you could take a few deep breaths or tell a teacher. If it happens at home, we could go outside and stomp around until you feel calmer.’

Top tip: Acceptance isn’t about ignoring challenging behaviour. It’s about letting a child know that you won’t reject or abandon them when they’re having a bad day. Instead, you’ll stay by their side and help them find healthier ways to manage their emotions. 

Curiosity 

When you’re experiencing intense emotions but still have to get on with daily life, no matter how hard you try, it’s likely that your body language, tone of voice, and behaviour will show the people closest to you how you're really feeling.

It's the same for children in your care. Behaviour is a form of communication, especially for children living with trauma who don’t yet feel safe enough to share their thoughts and feelings or simply can’t find the words for their emotions. 

To understand what they’re trying to tell you, you need to be curious. Curiosity is about pausing and wondering why they're acting in a certain way without jumping to conclusions. 

When you show curiosity about how a child is feeling, it helps them feel valued, heard, and understood because you're taking the time to see the world through their eyes. 

How to be curious 

When a child doesn’t feel able to open up about what’s happened to them or how they’re feeling, it can be frustrating because all you want to do is help. But with a bit of observation and curiosity, you’ll start to notice patterns and begin to understand a child’s triggers.

Here are a few ways to show curiosity:

• If your foster child struggles to answer direct questions, take the pressure off the conversation by wondering aloud instead. For example, if they took something out of another child’s lunchbox, you could say, ‘I wonder if you took that sandwich because you’re worried about not having enough food. We always have food available, so if you feel hungry, just let me know.’ 

• If you notice something about their behaviour and want to ask them about it, you could say, ‘I noticed you seem a bit upset today. I wonder if something happened to make you feel this way?’

• If you spot a pattern or trigger, gently wonder about it with them. For example, ‘I’ve noticed that you often feel a bit overwhelmed when we go to the supermarket. Maybe it’s a bit loud and busy in there for you.'

• Be curious about your own emotions to help them make the connection between feelings and behaviour. You might say, ‘I feel a bit grumpy today – maybe it’s because I didn’t get enough sleep.'

• If they don’t want to talk, let them know that you'll offer a listening ear when they're ready. 

Top tip: Curiosity is about gently decoding a child’s behaviour so you can better support them. It’s not a quick-fix solution – it takes time, trust and patience to build a clear picture of what's really going on.  

Empathy

Sometimes life is hard, but when someone shows us that they ‘get it’, it brings comfort, helps us feel less alone and connects us to those around us.  

Empathy is all about seeing things through your child’s eyes and showing them that you understand where they’re coming from. It means holding their hand when they struggle to cope with their trauma and working through their emotions together. 

How to show empathy

When a child sees that you understand and accept their feelings, it can help them feel less alone and more able to open up about their inner world. As a foster parent, empathy probably comes naturally to you already, but here are a few tips that can help:

• Listen, not just with your ears, but with open body language, eye contact and without distractions. Let them have the floor, and when you speak, try not to take over the conversation. 

• Help them name their feelings by saying them out loud or using visual aids, such as emotion worksheets or toys. 

• Try to match their energy. For example, if they seem low, use a soft tone rather than a cheerful one. 

• Help them feel safe by sitting next to them or offering them an item that brings them comfort, like their favourite toy or blanket. 

• Be honest about your emotions so your child knows they're not alone in their feelings. For example, if a child is nervous about starting school, you might say, ‘I get nervous too sometimes.’

Top tip: Showing empathy doesn’t mean trying to fix the way a child feels – it’s about consistently being there for them through their struggles. Knowing they can talk to you about their feelings helps build trust, confidence, and the resilience they need to face life’s challenges. 

PACE training for parents

When you join Fostering People, you become part of a community that truly understands the impact of adverse childhood experiences on the long-term outcomes for children in care. 

That’s why, as part of your foster parent training, we'll teach you how to put PACE model parenting into practice. You'll also learn about the effects of trauma on child brain development, behaviour, attachment, and more so you know how to fully support children in your care. 

We’ll be by your side, providing you with 24/7 support. From our dedicated professional teams and regular supervision to our support groups and activities for the whole family, you’ll never feel alone on your fostering journey. 

So, if you’re ready to change a child’s life by providing therapeutic foster care, we’d love to hear from you! Call us on 0800 077 8159 or submit an online enquiry form, and one of our experienced team will contact you.